Fix Your Eyes Forward

Posted on by Amber Storvick

I have an ugly past with men, and I react with venom to anyone who has the potential to hurt me.

I have a somewhat sordid relationship with my own self-worth.  I can be a man hater, a victim, a workaholic, and a people pleaser…and after a time of self-reliance in these areas, I wind up not only exhausted but seething with anger. 

I have used exercise in unhealthy ways to escape and I have used it in healthy ways to find strength, ability, and control where I thought there was none. There is no straight forward formula here.  Exercise and nutrition can help heal your broken parts but it is only a band aid to your brokenness.

I have used food and fitness both to punish myself and as an outlet for extreme hurt and frustration… and I am not alone in this.

I  know countless women who abuse their bodies in the name of gaining or keeping love or power. I know just as many women who abuse food as a means of controlling one variable in their seemingly out of control lives. I know women who starve, I know women who binge in secret, I know women who workout for hours to punish themselves for binging, I know women who refuse to workout with any real effort because they fear failure….and at different times; I have been all of these women.

 I can tell you from experience that our failures and hurts run deeper than the last cookie we ate or workout we skipped.  The symptom is revealed by the disease and I have experienced enough to know that an obsession with our bodies is often the result of a deeper sickness.

Some of you are in the middle of an affair and others of have been cheated on…

Some of you are still married or single but you are desperately lonely.

Some of you have perhaps lost control with your children using your force or your words, and some of you come from a background of abuse.

Some of you are addicted to drugs or alcohol, and some of you have been the victims of an addicted person.

Some of you are so consumed with maintaining the façade of perfection and comparing yourself to other women, that you haven’t experienced real peace since childhood.

The question is this, how will you move forward? 

Are you stagnating in guilt or are you stagnating in fear?  Either way there is only rot and waste.

My heart breaks for women who have been hurt, physically, or emotionally. My purpose in fitness is  to strengthen women where they have been damaged.  I am not however, interested in investing  in an attitude where we are forever victims  either at the hands of someone  whose love we are desperately trying keep, or by our own hands, as we claw desperately for love, attention, and control in a broken world.

So what has broken the stronghold of an eating disorder, compulsive working out, insecurity and fear in my life? 

It wasn’t standing in front of a mirror shouting affirmations… not that there is anything wrong with practicing a positive declaration of self… it’s just that I could never fully buy into It… I know the truth about myself and that while I am loved and created for purpose; I am also capable of self-destruction.

 It is not that I needed to think more of myself. In fact, I already thought of myself too much…In every phase of life,  in different ways I was obsessed with myself…with my  inadequacy…I was obsessed with changing myself physically for all the wrong reasons…my eyes were constantly on every flaw,  and those to whom I compared.

I had to stop allowing the pain in the past to drive my reactions.

I had to discover the beauty of my own purpose outside of anyone else’s opinions

I had to seek the one who created me to discover the value He placed on me.

We move forward when we stop wallowing and start looking forward. 

 My relationship with Jesus Christ grew out of the complete implosion of my marriage and personal life. Loneliness, exhaustion, and desperation allowed me to see for once that all my efforts were not only vanity but wasted in light of eternity.

It is not that I need to think more about what I am or am not.

It is that I need to think more of who He Is. 

Hebrews 12 tells us to “lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus the author and perfector of our faith.”

It is to this passage I turn when my heart is weary or my head is swirling with rage. 

If you are frozen by failures, and in bondage to your past…stop looking at yourself and stop looking at others. and fix your eyes ahead.

Are you good looking? Is that the limit of your self-definition? …fix your eyes

Are you popular, admired, even envied? …are you working constantly to keep that idol fed?

Are you consumed by your flaws,  do you wake up daily hating your body?…fix your eyes forward.

Have you been hurt, beaten, insulted, and marginalized? … fix your eyes

Are you fearful, prideful, independent, or codependent?…fix your eyes

Do you want to break the cycle of strongholds in your life? Whatever they are, Stop looking behind you or around you, and fix your eyes on Jesus the author of your life and the creator of your purpose.

I’m sure not everyone reading this is a Christian and this may seem like pointless advice.  But it has been the only thing that has broken the cycle of obsession and eating disorder in my life and I would be a liar to pretend it were anything else.

When you dwell on being hurt you only condition yourself to be hurt and to hurt others.  When you obsess about your inadequacy, your inadequacy will be your only expertise.  When you continually work to build a veneer of perfection, reality will outlast the fantasy every time.

When you focus on Jesus, you are reliant on HIS perfection, who he created you to be, and what he created you for…

Working is replaced with resting,

Frustration is replaced with peace,

Hurt is replaced with healing.

You cannot force a false self-worth, you will always fail to measure up to the perfect standard in your head,  your value system has to  change. Physical beauty, male attention, failure, addiction, and every manner of thing that can weigh us down become dim in the periphery of your obsession when you realize you are fearfully and wonderfully made, loved with and everlasting love, forgiven without boundary or hesitation, and created for purpose.

Check Facebook… Your Crazy is Showing

Posted on by Amber Storvick

We know its a time suck. We know it is a filter of flaws, a posed perfection, and a poor excuse for interaction. 

Still… social media is embedded in our culture like so many leeches in 19th century medicine.  Life-sucking and ugly but nevertheless, the acceptable methods of the day.  Every one is equally subject to the subtle parasite. 
Some of us are consumed by it, Some of us are forced into it, and some of us are big, fat hypocrites who make a big freaking deal about not being on it when the rest of us totally know you are…Some of us have been all three. 

As much as you or I may want it to, this Pandora’s box is never closing.  The world will never return to a place where your dinner isn’t something I have to know about, and you will never be free from experiencing my internal journey played out in real time… Filter-less, Awkward, and sometimes inappropriate…

Yet, the insidiousness of social media is in the brave new world of social etiquette.  It is in the nuance of offence and the fantasy of false community.  Its crazy, and its making us even crazier.

Many times, sometimes daily, I hear normal people, well adjusted, college educated people fuss over the invisible social snub of an “unliked” post.  
I, myself, often find myself casually scrolling and subtly thinking hateful, judgmental, hypocritical things… things like;

“…you’re an idiot…”
“No one cares about your workout… put a shirt on”
“No one cares about your cat…why is it wearing a shirt?!”

It turns me into a person I’m not entirely proud of and it turns you into someone I am also not entirely proud of.  So lets all just take a long sober look at the Frankenstein of human interaction we have created and perhaps consider that we have all in fact, gone insane.  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUILT
We may not have seen or spoken to them for 27 years but we’ve wished them a Happy Birthday for every one of them.  The guilt of neglecting this obligatory post is almost overwhelming and at times causes us to offer a belated birthday wish with apology…and then we ask how they’ve been when we clearly don’t care.  The only thing left to do is offer the sacrificial smiling face emoji and pray for next year.

THEY LIKE ME, THEY LIKE ME NOT
Go ahead, this is a safe space… admit that you know exactly how many “likes” that post got and from whom. 
Admit that you were offended when so and so didn’t “like” your vacation update but “liked” whats his names post about whatever…
Admit that you know who failed to  “like” something and then assumed a hidden agenda that has no basis in reality. 
Just admit that, and bask in the freedom of the self aware.

THE SILENT GUEST AT EVERY POST
We all know you are there…  Judging,  studying, condemning every Facebook  regular and yet, never getting into the mess yourself.  You never make your presence known, most people have forgotten they befriended you, and yet…you know and see all.  
Its just weird.  Stop it. 

I LOVE YOU, I JUST DON’T LIKE YOU 
You may be siblings. You may be childhood friends. You may have “liked” and interacted with everything they’ve ever done, but the moment they piss you off…nothing…not one encouraging “like.”
It is the social media equivalent of religious shunning.  Your interwoven friendships and connections are abuzz with activity, but to you, they are dead…even really funny stuff… you don’t respond…you withhold your “likes” and  “lol”s from them.
Stand your ground.  Make your point.  Above all, don’t attempt a real conversation.

THE MIGHTY “POST” OF JUSTICE
I see you attended a parade for human rights, or the humane society, or  sponsored a polar bear…whatever… you’re not better than me….

Honestly, I can go on and on.  From your emotional manifesto we don’t know how to respond to, the wedding anniversary ballad that rivals Beowulf,  to the lunatic asylum that is the comments section of any article or blog post…we are a culture adjusting to the new normal of faceless interactions.  

Its not pretty.  It leaves me to deeply consider who I am apart from the veil that it provides me.  It reveals the petty, the small, the dark, of my character and the abrupt limit of my “goodness”  I frequently have to force myself to pull back and measure  my motivations. I frequently become disgusted with its ability to bring out my worst while simultaneously exhibiting my prettiest and best. 

We hide our pain, our flaws, our struggles, and our ugly. We control our image in the very real hope of finding connection at the very deliberate sacrifice of intimacy.  We argue with phantoms and develop a genuine hatred of people we’ve never met.  Left unchecked, It empties us of empathy, fills us with bitterness, and exposes our crazy. 

So, maybe go check your Facebook…and then go have an actual human interaction.

When the Victim is the Villain

Posted on by Amber Storvick

Plenty of us are ready to champion a cause for victim hood.  We are armed with our pain.  We are poised to tell our story.  We are unlikely heroes waiting to sympathize with fellow sufferers and march down streets with paper signs.

I get it….I not only get it, I am driven by a desire to uplift downtrodden women.  I am driven because I no longer want to feel that pain anymore.  I have seen the devastation of emotional and physical abuse played out on my character and I am desperate to step in the gap between and scream directions to others who feel just as helpless…just as hopeless.

I meet with people daily who have been wronged, deeply and legitimately.  I have met so many hurt people, so many who are scared and limping.  I have seen the injustice of poverty, the heartbreak of rejection, the manipulation of the powerful, and the emotional scars of physical abuse.  If you give anyone time enough to talk they will tell you of someone who has hurt them by one means or another.

…and yet, I have never met a villain.

Wounded lay everywhere and yet no trace of the weapon can be found.

Where are the villains? Where are the vindictive, the vengeful, the hateful, and the heartless?
We can think of a million ways we have been wronged but when we turn to see carnage in our wake,  a  sanctimonious amnesia sets in. If we do own any of our sins publicly, it is only from the safety of a historical setting… With the persuasion of our redemption, with an eye on our goodness…with the memory of a victim.  I’m gonna be honest here, I am tired of hearing from saints who have been wronged; when I feel so fully the weight of being wrong and when I know the damage I’m capable of and the circumstantial sainthood of us all.

We never heal the superficial wounds because the deeper we carve, the more we discover that our villain was once a victim and you are now holding their knife.  The simplicity of hatred has to evolve into all kinds of empathy and grace and we are forced to own a measure of the damage.

We’ve all heard it said “hurt people, hurt people,” But its so much easier to proclaim the hurt than to admit the hurting.  I am the hero of my own story but when I look closely enough I am also the villain.  I can show you my scars and justify my stabbing. I can tell you a story that would bring you to pity my misfortune and explain away all of my actions.  In the next moment, if I am brave enough to stay in it, I can see the pain I caused, the people I failed, and the trust I broke.  It is a humbling moment, nauseating and intensly uncomfortable.

That is where I meet the villain.

That is were I am compelled to fall down; exhausted from the pretense and the battle to maintain my veneer of innocence. That is where is see that I am both the adulterous woman and the pharisee poised to cast a stone…  Guilty. Shamed. Defensive. Angry. Vengeful. Accusing.  Desperately needing grace, but caught between fighting for self righteousness and falling on my face to beg for mercy.
(John 8:10-11 – “Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you? “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”)

When we are brave enough face it, and tired enough of pretending, God gives us grace enough to know ourselves.  If we are honest enough, we will have grace enough for others because we know the villain we are capable of being and the mercy we are so desperately in need of.

When the victim acknowledges the villain we are compelled to forgive much as we have been forgiven of so much…
.(Luke 7:47-48 – “Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”)

The Temperature of Our Heart

Posted on by Amber Storvick
We are blessed to know a God who knows our heart and blesses us with unmerited favor.
We serve a God who has subjected Himself to our weakness and sin.
We love a God who by grace love us infinitely more.
Remember that when you are exhausted with the fight. Remember When you are failing, When you are discouraged, when you are ashamed, when you lack confidence or courage or conviction…
He sees your heart. He has felt the pain of rejection and even hatred to the point of death. He knows your weakness. Your thoughts and struggles and exhaustion are not unfamiliar to Him. 
I love the image of being able to come before God boldly regardless of the temperature of our heart … That he knows us intimately and only waits for us to approach and ask for help. It seems so beautifully simple…help in time of need… But there it is…
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” – Hebrews 4:15-16

Are You Being Poured Out?

Posted on by Amber Storvick

“I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” – Philippians 

4:11-13

We all know the end of this verse, but we seldom see the introduction.  
I, myself like to pretend the prelude is a weak option.
“To be content in whatever circumstance I am in…humble means and hunger…”
We live in America, we don’t know what humble means and hunger even look like. 
We wake up, get into expensive cars, drive to fairly safe places to earn money so we can buy too much food and things to fill our big bellies and ridiculously large houses…And if we can’t do these things for whatever reason, we pray for the right to them…for the fulfillment of our entitlement to them…
If we are unhappy, unloved, or under appreciated we find distraction by any means necessary and pray for relief as soon as yesterday.  We stare at screens and say ” i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. But we don’t accept that those things may never me comfortable or glorious. 
I am thinking about contentment today. I am considering what it looks like over the course of a lifetime.  I don’t think it means I have all the money I need, the clothes I want, or the love I feel l deserve.  I think it looks like emptying myself of my reliance on these things and finding that I am helpless before a God who wants more for and from me. 
Who wants me poured out in the field of service to others. 
So that it can be said, 
“I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith…” – 2 Timothy 4:6-7

Moving Forward

Posted on by Amber Storvick
Today is a good day to move forward.  Whatever has been holding you back, whatever you can’t seem to move past, whatever is that “thing” you have not given up.  
There will be direction and strength enough to move if I can simply trust. 
“Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.”

 

Isaiah 43:18-19

Addressing the Funk – when your shiny new fitness hobby becomes routine

Posted on by Amber Storvick
I’ve witnessed it more times than I can count.  I’ve seen countless new clients lose that buoyant youthful step as they move through week after week of programming.  Their heads droop just a little, their water bottles have become worn and ever so slightly musty, their once festive spandex are now sweat stained, and their social media friends have moved from supportive to annoyed.  It is the process of time and familiarity that makes victims of us all.  The weight that once “just fell off” is a bit more resilient, the bones and muscles are painful from overload and stress, and even the excitement of instagrammable health food has lost its appeal.
 
 As odd as it sounds, this is the moment I look forward to as a trainer.  This is where the honeymoon ends and the real relationship can begin.  Inevitably along the way a client will drag themselves in, flop down on the nearest chair and confess that they are tired, bored, defeated, angry…. They know they should,  but they just don’t have the time, energy, opportunity, ability, confidence to…. fill out a food journal, workout on their own,  go grocery shopping,  stretch, walk…you get the idea.  That’s when it comes out.  That’s when I hear any variation of phrase “I’ve just lost all my motivation!”  As if it was a pot of gold to be hoarded, or a thing to be held.    They look up at me waiting for a magical solution, a remedy, a meme that is going to reignite that once hopeful feeling that they once had.  With all the wisdom I can muster, I just say, “GOOD!”
 
Before you stop reading this entirely to go scroll Facebook for a better quote than “good”, allow me to address the topic of motivation.  Without exception, there is a phase in every new season of life that leaves us feeling refreshed.  It is the solution to a problem, it is movement in a positive direction, or it is a new, hopeful relationship.  As time goes by, emotions give way to reality. and in our weaker moments they can leave us questioning, even regretting, those once positive feelings.  When you begin to work out for the first time, those first few months are a bit of a joy ride through instant gratification.  Your body is changing rapidly. If you had no previous exercise experience, you are now doing things perhaps for the first time you never thought possible.  It feels like everything is right with the world and at long last your life is going to change.  Then, as it always does, life gets complicated.  Something happens with your job or your family, something changes… or perhaps nothing changes.  Perhaps it’s been weeks or months since you have seen any encouraging results from your workouts.  Your health may have become less of a priority, your body isn’t changing quite so fast, the adrenaline is spent, and the routine begins.  I am prepared when clients fall off the cliff of motivated feelings because I know that it is where the real growth begins.   As a trainer, this is where I get to meet people in reality and call them to seriously think about what it is they are hoping to get from working out.   Like a job you love, like a marriage, like anything good that becomes part of the everyday experience it is important that you are intentional about how you continue working on and evolving with that relationship.  So now that you know that, know this; this is only one of many, many cycles of funk you will experience.  Have hope, each one you work through will only reinforce your resolve to continue, grow, and press toward the real reason you started in the first place.
           
GET OUT OF TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS AND DO THE JOB
I’m going to say this as gently as possible; your life is not a commercial for Gatorade.  You are not always going to “kill it”, you are not always going to feel strong, or crush goals, or sweat sparkles.  No matter how many times you play Thunderstruck in your car before you go to the gym, you may still want to drive around the parking lot 10 times before deciding to go in. Social media is a toxic salve to this wound and when comparison gets thrown into an already defeated environment, it is an almost certain guarantee of quitting.  Please understand, I am all about getting Jazzed up for a workout, but to expect that feeling to keep me going is a house of cards.  If you only went to your job or worked when you felt “motivated”, I’m going bet you’d only go once in a while… if ever. Nothing worthwhile would be accomplished and eventually you’d just quit going altogether because it was a fruitless waste of time.  Instead, you go to work whether you feel like it or not because it is in your best interests to do so. You have a plan, you have a schedule, and you set and meet goals because if you didn’t then what the heck are you accomplishing?!  There are seasons we are excited about when it comes to fitness and there are seasons where it is just our job.  Yet so many times we treat our health like a hobby.    We participate only when we feel motivated or have some “extra time”.   When it becomes inconvenient,  we get discouraged and look for a way out, an excuse, or a reason to quit.   Recognize that this is a job.  It demands discipline and routine regardless of your emotional state.  In the case that you have allowed your health to decline and your weight to incline, then it is a job that will demand priority.  You will need to set a plan, schedule and goal around it if you want to accomplish anything. 
 
GET IN TOUCH WITH REALITY AND HAVE A ROUTINE
 
Frequently, there is a disconnect between what we want and the time required to fulfill that want.  Take a good hard look at the structure of your current lifestyle and take stock of the situation as it really is.
How much time do you sleep?
How much time do you really need for work including commutes?
How much time will you need for your family?
How much time and how many days per week are you able to workout?
How much time do you spend making, shopping for or waiting for food?
There are non-negotiables and there are things you can do to create margin for working out and planning how you will eat.  Determine what is a non-negotiable. Determine where you can make changes and then execute the plan.  Recognize that your health is your JOB and it requires all the attention you would give any job.  You have to establish a routine that is not contingent on how you feel or disrupted by whatever distraction is calling your name.  Routine is your friend when your fair weather feelings abandon you.  Look at the reality of the demands on your time and consider the priority level your health needs to take. Plan ahead. Work the plan.
 
GET BACK UP, AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN…
Proverbs 24:16 says “a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again.”   After years in the health and fitness industry and even more as an athlete and workout enthusiast, I can tell you I have been through my share of funks.  I have failed, I have been wrong, I have been bored, I have both given and taken bad advice and l’m still here. Every season of stagnation is an opportunity to develop a deeper understanding of what really motivates you.   Keep going. Keep trying. Keep pushing. The reason you began may not be the reason you continue, so constantly be in touch with your purpose for working out.  Most of the time, it comes down to the simple fact that life is better, and longer and fuller when you take care of the one body you have.   Fitness is a long term relationship. It doesn’t end until you do. That’s right… death is the only excuse I will accept for quitting.   If you think fitting into your old jeans or showing up hot to some reunion will mean lifelong happiness and the end of your fitness journey, for you there will be numerous disappointments ahead. You have to keep changing and growing your goals as your body and life changes.  Adapting to stress, injury, vacations, holidays, family and jobs is all normal and by no means a reason to feel discouraged.  You have to keep pressing forward. You have to take another step and then another.  Yes there have been days when I did doughnuts in the gym parking lot and then drove home and ate an entire bag of Doritos…those days happen.  The next day I’d get back up and go at it again. I’d try a new class, drag a friend along, re-structure my diet, whatever it took to keep me actively engaged in my own health.
 
Have you hit your first funk? Or maybe your fifth?  Good.  Now the real work begins, and with the work, the real reward begins.  It may not be in beach body you were fantasizing about, or the clothes you’d thought you’d squeeze into, or the attention you wanted, but it will be in the person you become, the strength you find, and the life you live.  Keep going.  It only gets better.